I am a cheater. Not all the time, just every now and then. The itch comes to me, and no matter what my wife does, I still can’t help but want another woman. At least for a night, or two, or three.
I love my wife very much. No woman I’ve ever met or will meet will hold a more important place in my life. I also love my kids, our house, my job and the fish in my daughter’s room. I love everything about my life at home, even though my relationship has become dull and rocky. But while I love having a strong black family, I also love being a man, and there is a part of me that just can’t handle monogamy.
I see a lot of misinformation in Essence and other black women’s magazines about men and what we want. It’s silly to me, because women don’t know a thing about us. At the same time, they spend all their time talking about us. They always think they have us figured out, that we can be changed, and that they can come up with some magic formula that will control us and make us want to give them all the blissful matrimony they are seeking.
They couldn’t be more wrong.
Here’s the deal on cheating. Not from every man’s point of view, just mine. You would never know I was a cheater, because I don’t act like one. I don’t think my penis is made of candy, and I don’t want to have sex with every woman I see. I just want one sexy black woman, every now and then, as long as she is not my wife.
I have four confessions to make, please hear me out before you attack.
1) Love usually has nothing to do with cheating.
Women have this silly belief that if a man cheats on you, he must not love you. That’s like saying that if you really love God, you won’t scratch your toes. One has nothing to do with the other. I could be faithful to a woman I hate and cheat on a woman I love. Whether I love a woman is communicated by whether I continue coming home to her, or whether I visit her if she is sick, help her pay a bill or take care of her aging, yet annoying parents. The woman you love is the one that you want to see when you are NOT horny.
2) I didn’t care much about being married, and many men can do without it.
I don’t need the emotional security that women crave, I never wanted the ceremony or the legal commitments that come with matrimony. Personally, I would rather NOT have the state involved in my relationship. I got married because my wife was a good black woman and she wanted to get married. That’s it. If I could have had my way, I would have continued to date her forever, without ever getting married. It’s not because I am a dog, but I would have been considered a dog for not marrying the woman I love.
I recall seeing all my friends who were married, bored and miserable. On top of that, they had to answer to someone every single day, take out the trash and deal with some irritable woman on her period, who feels that she can hold sex over their heads. I never wanted to be that guy.
But it was love that made me willing to be that guy. I have been that guy a lot, especially when my wife was pregnant. I also support the African American family, so I do what I can to keep us together. But even though I have experienced the ups and downs of marriage, I still don’t see what’s so great about it.
3) You can’t control us with sex.
I have heard women say things like “If you don’t do this or that, then I’m not giving you any.” Some men may be affected by this kind of thing, but I’m not. If my wife withholds sex, I give her 2 weeks. If she is not having sex with me within two weeks, I find someone else to have sex with. It’s not her right to decide if I get to have sex, and she can’t use sex as a weapon.
What she doesn’t realize is a couple of things. First, men NEED sex. Again, it has nothing to do with love. We need sex the same way that a woman needs to socialize or a good daughter needs to hear from her mother. It’s a purely physical urge, like when you have to go to the bathroom, but not bad enough that you’re going to burst. The discomfort from the unfulfilled need is just strong enough that you sigh when you are finally relieved.
Second of all, as a black man in my early forties, there are always at least 5 other beautiful black women willing to drop their pants for me in a second. It’s just a numbers game, since a black man with a job and all his teeth is considered a good prospect. So, whether she knows it or not, my wife has competition. But then again, maybe I have competition too and don’t know it, I accept that. In fact, if she is tempted to cheat, then that supports my argument that we should never have gotten married in the first place. Women ask us to do something that we don’t want to do, then get mad because we don’t do it right. It reminds me of when my older sisters used to force me to play house with them, and then get angry because I put playdough in the teapot out of boredom.
Because I love my beautiful ebony wife, I am willing to wait for sex. But only two weeks. After that, I get resentful and start to think bout exercising my options. It’s at that point that one of my many unmarried ex-girlfriends gets invited to lunch. They are always happy to meet me.
I am not trying to be conceited, but it’s the honest to God truth. I hope that the truth is appreciated, but I suspect that some of you reading this might feel more comfortable with the same old lies. Perhaps if I weren’t so committed to telling the truth, I could become more comfortable living the big marital lie that exists in America. It’s that same lie that makes Internet Pornography the largest industry on the web, with most of the content being purchased by married men.
4) If we want another woman, there usually isn’t much else you can do about it.
I truly believe in the theories which state that men are genetically wired to want more than one woman. We don’t choose to be that way, we just are. We are also trained to lie about it, since there is nothing that turns a woman off more than saying that you want more than one woman. But get a bunch of guys together and ask them to describe their sexual fantasies (with no women in the room, of course), and most of them would describe something that involved at least 2 or 3 women. I have shared these thoughts with my wife and I find that she is only interested in killing the messenger. So, that throws honesty out the window.
I am not sure if I will continue to cheat, but I know that my male friends do it all the time. I envy the single guys, who can do what they want, with whom they want, and no one calls them a bad person. I share my life, my space, and my time with a woman, deal with her moods and am continuously there for her, yet, if I fulfill one fundamental need that I have as a man, I become a villain.
It just doesn’t seem fair.
by Charles Smock
Sent to me by Dayo in California…
I refrain from comment so that you can leave your opinions.
If you need support with your “cheating” spouse, here are two useful audios:
Healing the wounds of Adultery
How to stop attracting Adultery
Its good to hear this from one of the “horses mouth.” I believe his point of view is very common. I was not upset by it because I sometimes feel the same way. However, being a woman of child bearing years, I still desire the “support” and “security” of a marriage in which to have children. Does having this mean I alienate the man I love or who loves me? Perhaps there should be an annual review or something to determine whether the relationship is still serving our needs. Not sure, just a few thoughts…..
Thank you for sharing. Nothing in this blog is a surprise to me. I have encountered so many unhappily married men that are out here just creepin’. All their conversations are the same — ” remember when we use to laugh, make love, play — and then we had kids and things changed. She started coming to bed in rollers, gained weight, blah-za-splee-yada-yada-yada…”
As a single woman, I would like to have a committed relationship, however I am not all caught up in the legalities of matrimony.
Open relationship? I am open to the possiblities, absolutely. Variety is the spice of life. A little nibble here, a snick-n-snacken there — just as long as I have the full 5-star meal with bone china, crystal goblets and silver flatware at home
I second that!!! “— just as long as I have the full 5-star meal with bone china, crystal goblets and silver flatware at home”
My feelings are…the solution to these situations is not always “lets have an open relationship.” Sometimes, the solution is HONEST COMMUNICATION. Obviously there’s a problem with communication, expressing what it is we really want, doing things out of love and not obligation.
I feel like our bigger problem is not monogamy, but really being real with ourselves and one another. In this example, he’s created a huge mess for himself because he was doing what he thought he should, or what others wanted him to do. And, instead of going to the root of the problem, he’s pleased with his bandaids and doesn’t want to hear anything about it.
You can try to use temporary devices to fix a crack in a dam…but eventually its gonna blow. This open relationship because ‘I don’t know how to express my true needs’ and ‘I don’t know how to meet my own needs when someone doesn’t give it to me’, is a cop out. Again, I have no problems with an open relationships, I think they can be great…but I think it’s dangerous to use it as a easier way to face a problem that desperately needs to be addressed.
I think he makes some very good points. Too often women associate a man’s desire for seduction with a lack of something he isnt getting at home. I think women who pay attention will understand….its not just a joke or something cute to say, its science…we are naturally programmed to seek out a variety of sexual mates…and the more we try to fight it…sometimes the harder it gets.
And the switch isnt easily turned on or off just because we are supposed to have this total control of our loins or maturity……it is truly defined by the options that present themselves to us.
I think the best that women can do is to embrace a man’s natural desire to fantasize for sexual variety…..and try their best to BE that “stranger in my house” that Deborah Cox sings about instead of chastizing the man or feeling insecure about something that happens to us naturally whether we want it to or not.
THIS! I can appreciate. He did many women a favor. However, I do caution all of us (male/female) about BROAD stroke because behavior and certainly “choices” are not one size fit all.
Further, I believe that there are also women who feel the exact same way. I’ve even found that the older, devoted, and even religious matriarch of my family had their way of “steppin out” and keeping home in tact. I agree with one blogger that this does not set the stage for an open relationship. I do believe we don’t have to continue the game of victimhood in relationship either. While, I treasure monogamy as the rule for me we are surrounded by those for who it is an exception. There are no guarantees. . .you know…a good christian man or woman who has this impetuous only covers it, the good muslim man or woman justifies it with polygamy and the unchurched continues with both cover and justification. LOL!!! There are times when the mind wonders and body follows for both husbands and wives, don’t get it twisted. I think we just resent that fact that when and if we should do it – it’s not as acceptable.
I wonder would the approach to male/female relationship a more equal playing field if THE MAN understood that what’s good for the goose is good for the gander and the WOMEN would be empowered by owning that position?
Darling I couldnt have said it any better…you broke it down! This gentleman is elling the truth..a truth took me as a woman 44 years to finally figure out…why because I am the one that feels like this husband…exactly. I was hung up for may years in my thinking (I am not 100% sold on progressive love but beleive in the reasonings behnd it) that there was no way another person could desire someone else if one was in love and made a committment. Not true, humans are very primal and I totally get this. I am struggling with some of my own thoughts and desires but this blog post has given me perspective.
I agree with each and every comment as they’ve each cosigned many of my own thoughts. I’m in no place to pass judgement or say what’s right or wrong. I concerns would be is he using condoms? Is she (who he’s stepping out with) using her own form of birth control? Are adequate precautionary measures being taken all around i.e, fatal attraction potential, stalkers, etc. There is a plethora of things that need to be considered when one engages in activities outside of the home.
I most assuredly agree with Darling’s closing comment about what’s good for the goose should equally be good for the gander.
Love to live; live to love!
Great post…
It occured to me that many women are doing the same thing in their way…conversation,e-mails emotional cheating and getting the same fullfilment men get. It’s about connecting to what means the most to you.
Often time, for women above the belt men below….If women’s above the belt works well it can slip to below..doesn’t happen the same way for men.
Marriage is about family and comittment not always romantic sexual love(although those things are great.
He made some good observations and for the record men could get a better understanding of the female physiology and the fact that it changes alot between 35-55.
It’s not all about his needs nor is all about hers.It’s about if you make a commitment that’s it a commitmment.If yhou don’t want to don’t pretend to want to to get the “Good Women” then dog her ..just keep being single man with all the priveledge and none of the adult responsibity.
I am married happy sometimes unhappy sometimes..When I was single it was the same 50-50 no grass is that green. I am joyful all the time with myself.
I see this man’s attitude played out in all the broken families it creates. Perhaps we should just say no to children if we don’t want to “family” them properly.
Men always say “pussy does not control them” THAT IS A LIE! If it did not then he would not even be writing this. He wants to sleep with OTHER WOMEN.LOL If the pussy had no power why does he have to go inside the life giving vehicle of other women..lol
Coochie rules the WORLD! WOmen of Power have always KNOWN IT! That is why KINGDOMS have FALLEN OVER WOMEN!!! ROFL!!!!!!
So true that pussy rules. Why do Black woman play the… game like they do not know the nature of man. Why do men play the game… that they are not being controlled by women. Pussy is where the power is and the more of it the better if you understand energy and power. We are a fraid of allowing freedom to each other for fear of losing each other.
I wonder how differently this man would feel if it was his wife who was foolin around behind his back? Imagine he were to come home and find his beloved wife shagging some other guy whilst he's been living his cheating life? All good and well to be open about rships but if you have had the journey of being cheated on, and let me tell you it can happen to anyone even someone evolved and aware coz the world is not perfect. What disappoints me is the lack of honest communication. If you want to screw around the make it open and talk about it, if you have the growth enough to do that (I don't at this point in my rship) otherwise stop f****** around with people's lives by living a lie and going behind your wife's back, be up front and honest about it otherwise you don't have a marriage!
I think the hard work is in being with one person and really working on it, that is a life journey in itself, you learn so much. Truly how can anyone be having more than one committed sexual rship these days, heck where do you get the time?
I agree men and women have different needs sexually and emotionally but please discuss these differences in your marriage/rship not go off and have a secret life!
For me dishonesty in this form is damaging to the cheater and the cheated on.
Open rships are another story altogether, because they are usually discussed and two parties make an agreement to that.
Oh gosh I could go on forever about this…
I know this article is old but, i just stumbled upon it only now. I am going to go a little bit deeper in my comments: so here it goes.
When you don't know who you are, you will not know what you want, For me this man is a lost soul struggling with his own identity. I do not believe that men are wired one way and women are wired the other, I don't. What I believe is that each and everyone of us has a duty to find out who they trully are, I also believe that the biggest crisis in our society today is prescribing to us how we should be and what we should do. This man clearly has an identity crisis he does not know who he is and what he wants, furthermore he does not love himself enough to take care of himself. What he does not see is that having sex with 10 women now and then as he 'puts' is taking away from him, it diminishes him more and more hence he has to do it over and over and over and over again with differnt women. I can promise you that the day that this man stands in the mirror and really asks himself tough questions his philandoring ways will end. monogamy or marriage is not an issue here. The issue is him!
Will put.
Wow I appreciate the honesty I truly do. I just hope that he is being honest with his wife about what he is doing. I'm sure if he was honest about it she would be more open to it….nawl probably not lol.
Wow this gives me alot to think about because its normally lopsided. A man feels he can "cheat" but if the woman were to "cheat" he'd have a fit!
I'm really at a lost for words lol
I just want to know, before my partner decides to sleep with someone else I just want to be told about it. I won't attempt to stop it I just want to know and I want us to talk about how he feels.
Does it really matter whether he has a fit or not. She can be with other men if she desires. If it wasn't so there would be no word like cheating. Our Vaginas would not get wet when we got with another man and his penis wouldn't get hard when he got with another woman. But we can choose more than one person. He'd deal with it or they would break apart.
I got to tell you the truth Sharron. I don't need to know. I don't even want to. I guess that is because I do not want to be asked.
The truth of the matter is that women can "cheat" too. Women do cheat. We still consider that we love our men when we do it. So, why doesn't he love us too?
An open relationship is also for the monogamous. Open relating, means I can be honest with you.
Truth: there are no problems in relationships, we merely attract who we are. Problems stem from with in us and can only be cleansed within us.
Ok back in Cave men days one male would have had several females. But we are no longer cavemen we are suppose to follow the dictates of society that says one male to one female.Our eyes covet what we see. You said you cheat when things get boring or hard …..or when she with holds sex. it takes two to make things boring …and it takes character to stick around when stuff gets hard. you say you love your wife and family. I dont think that is true. when things get tough you flee to another female. I think most of what you said were excuses. I might also add that you are a hypercrite If your wife is screwing another man or several other males I think you would think of cheating in a different light.
Nobody mentioned how he can ruin his life & that of his family… If the condom breaks. His wife & him could die of AIDS… Alll because one man has identity crisis. His wife deserves better & believe it or not he is does to…. As he is suffering.
The challenge here is not right or wrong, good or bad but courage to live an authentic life. We all were given the power of choice and last I heard – we can choose to be married or not, to divorce or not, etc. Often we blame the other for the things that we lack in ourselves. In this instance blame for not being open to doing and having it another way – yet lacking the courage to be, give and have it another way by example. There are others that would engage in an open relationship and still have an even stronger family because the foundation would be based on love that is based in realness and not “make believe”.
~ Courage – we should never blame or expect others to give to us what we are unwilling to give to ourselves – The TRUTH. Try it – might just get to live the life you imagined. ~
Okay, here’s the thing.Cheating goes all the way back to the Bible. Many kings had more than one wife. That was the way of that time. here in this society we live under rules that don’t allow multiple partners in matrimony.Utah allows it, but it is biblically wrong as applied to this time. Why get married if you want extra cous-cous. It’s like applying for the job, interviewing for the job;getting the job, and then never showing up to work. Why?All you are doing is creating a public record of failing to keep the commitment that you chose to engage in. If you don’t want to be bound to oneman/ woman don’t get married. The conflict with man(men and women) is tht the biblical is supposed to move to the back while the secular acts that are wrong become less convicting since we don’t have to face the judgement(so we think). getting married means that children will have legal names, and that if something happens to one of the spouses that the inheritences will go to the other spouse, and to the children.This is what is missing in the understanding of why people are getting married in this day, and time. If you are earnestly engaged in building a foundation that will support the two spouses, and children, and their children then the thought of outside pursuits should be diminished by a large sum.