SO last night I was unbraiding my husband’s hair and he was just sitting there on the computer with the earphones listening to the latest in movie previews. I am not interested AT ALL in movies because they freak me out. I am a trance DIVA so I feel like I am IN the movie or that the movie is happening to ME! So I steer clear of movies. (I recall watching the matrix and then thinking that the special agents were going to come and get me! I know, crazy. But whatever).
Now mind you, my husband and I are like OOOBER busy, so I thought that by taking his hair out, we could spend some time talking to one another and to the kids. SO I dreamed up this huge fairy tale in my mind about me taking his braids out as he reads books to the kids who hardly ever see us with our travel and work schedules.
NOT!
As the reality unfolded I realized that my husband did not have concept or clue about my wishes and desires. And so when I asked him to read the kids a story as I did his hair, he said, flat out, and blatantly NO. WHAT? NO? Well why the hell not? I was about to have a fit when I recalled what was happening – again – and decided to become awake in the moment!
Now I was really mad – HELL YES! But did I have to follow the anger emotion and let it wreck havoc in my relationship? HELL NO. Did I have to disrespect him in front of the children and question him, or badger him until he complied? Well, not this time….
Here are the three steps to resolving the incessant need to have it YOOUUUURRRR WWAAAYYYYY
I wanted this evening to go MY WAY. I wanted to have my way. I wanted him to simply see that this was important, our kids had us sitting down for an hour! Why not read them a story and give them some attention? Why not? Right ladies?
But he had other plans and I simply could not accept it.
Acceptance is the key. Now ladies, you may feel me on this one. You have an idea of what you want your man to do in a given situation and when he doesn’t follow suit, you have a fit! Right? Or maybe you are the silent type. You don’t have a fit, but you think to yourself, “well, he will not be getting any of this loving for a few weeks!” LOL!
I caution you to think twice. Here is a good way to handle a situation in which you see that your mate is not complying to your wishes and desires and it pisses you off! I talked about this in my article Men as Stabilizers Women as Harmonizers…
It is really simple to recall in the heat of the moment and it really works!
STOP – DROP – ROLL
1. STOP – Stop in the moment and allow yourself to feel the anger without exploding it outwardly. Be sure not to suppress your anger, just be silent for a moment and allow your anger to speak to you. Ask yourself:
- Why am I so angry?
- When has this happened before?
- Is this anger all about him or is it my own pattern of becoming angry when things don’t go my way generally?
- Is it healthy to unleash this anger right now? What will it solve?
- What is a better way to resolve this without using force?
- What can I say or how can I be to make peace in this moment possible?
2. DROP - once you have dealt with your anger internally and thought about possible solutions, it is time to Drop your energy under that of your man (or if you are in a lesbian or gay relationship, drop your energy under that of your YANG partner). You must now begin to end the confrontations before they begin! You can do this. Just say OK. Say something mild and relaxed like, “OK, well maybe later”. This will cool the energy out and allow for harmony to make her way, sashaying into the room!
Again, we are not suppressing anger, continue to deal with your thoughts internally and open to the anger. Allow the anger to speak to you but do not do what the anger is telling you to do. Anger is your friend. It is there to show you who you have been. Now you will choose who you actually ARE! Use the anger to formulate a vision of what you do want and focus the anger energy into that vision!
3. ROLL – roll with what this fool, oops, I mean this man said. Try it and see what happens. Enjoy what happens when you release the need to have it your way. See what the outcome will be. Maybe he will do it later. Maybe he will do something even better. Maybe just because you were soft and sweet and loving he will reward you later! Hint hint hint! Maybe he’ll make you breakfast tomorrow morning. Or maybe you are just learning to see that you can relax and let life flow. It will not kill you to have it the way it comes. You will not die, I promise.
So with this Stop, Drop and Roll Protocol, you will soon find that there are less battles in your home and more intimacy! You will soon see just how Kingly your friend really is! You will just have to see the results, they will be amazing!
I tried it. I held back and did not continue to badger him about reading the story. I visualized what I really wanted… Later, my daughter asked if she could read the story! This was an even better outcome than I could have imagined. She got to practice her reading and I got to applaud her! Perfect! I never could have thought of this myself. But because I listened to and respected my man, I got to see a new unfolding, not exactly what I desired, but FAR BETTER!
Try it today, see what happens. If you need assistance, call us for coaching!
Now ladies, there is a caveat. Later in the evening as we lay in the bed, I rubbed his back and asked him softly why he did not want to read. He said he was relaxing. He said that I did not always have to entertain the children. He told me that this was one of the reasons I am stressed out, because I feel like I always have to do something for them when in their presence. He wanted to demonstrate that they are just happy to be with us, even without me doing a single thing. I got that and I am thankful.
Kings everywhere – I love you. You are so wise. Women have loads to learn from you and you have loads to learn from us. Check my first book, Change Your Man for more ways to be feminine, relaxed and harmonious in your relationship!
Blissfully yours,
JujuMama xoxoxox
wow… this is amazing…just from reading this post i’ve realized how serious my control issues are. I went from being extra submissive in my first relationship (that lasted 8 years) to becoming a control freak that easily gets offended when things don’t go the way I planned for them to go, or when things he’s doing just doesn’t make sense to me.. that’s deep that you see and acknowledge and appreciated that experience and insperience once u fell back to confront your own emotions on the matter. I love u for that… and I’m already on board with it. Thank YOU for blessing us (readers) with these REAL experiences and these REAL solutions that you can only speak from your own experiences….you are my new marraige counselor…u and Atef…i’ve recruited you two and I’m committed to jujumama…. love and light to you! – Ahab Un Neter
Well, I tried it…..sincereley put forth effort, and still got my feelings shitted on….So my dude, he has a squeeze down in TX, dsappeared for a half hour to talk to this woman…..Maybe he feels I cant truly be mad bcuz I KNOW of her existence, and quiet as its kept, I go thru his phone often, so she’s been expecting some form of communication but he cant give her that in my face all weekend….but do not disrespect me and/or my time and presnece by leaving the room to talk to a chick….she gets some courtesy of not knowing you’re laid up under a female, while I get to sit and seethe bcuz you tryna play me like ya freaky bitch…..and, like I said, I’m not angry about her per se, but that he didnt feel the need to respect me enough to be discreet, or simply not answer nad hold the convo at a later date and time……PLUS, when I told him why I had a funky ass attitude, that I really at least tried to keep internalized, he felt I WAS TRIPPIN, and lied, and confirmed thru a lie, that since he didnt do it in front of me, and since I was here with him, that I SHOULD BE what exactly? privleged? grateful? honored? no, EFF YOU! I wouldnt dare hold a serious conversation with a man in his presence, let alone leave the room to have it…..nor would I attempt to invalidate his feelings about anything he felt, especially based on something I had done to him…..that he was just wrong, and I’m tired of being accused….. Because, I am trying to stop-drop-and roll, when necesary, but its like going to hell with a gasoline soul, not drawls, cuz I stay burnt….even when I try various reactions and responses…..
I am learning, growing, each and every nanosecond of the day…about myself, about him, about the Universe, and my place in it….as well a about us and the Goddess the Universe deems me to be to this Adonis….but he is stagnated in his understanding of me, like hes growing (to a certain extent) individually, but not collectively….
Njoy, u can’t control him or what happens with him and this chick. That 8 year relationship I had was the same type of situation as the one you’re experiencing now. All I can say is he’s going to speak tp her, he’s going to do himn and by u just being there you r validating for him to that. You r smart and wonderful and as u said, ever evolving, always growing. You will get tired of it before he does. He’s benefitting right now – from all of his women. There’s someone for everyone, and (:A(ks the truth. Iblessings- love and light!
Nicely put! great job recognizing that you were in your story about how you wanted the experience to be. Funny how we so frequently create the script for something we want and never include the other person in the process…..forgetting that they have a mind and story of their own. Thanks for breaking things down in such a fun manner. ( Love your illustration too!)
Rock On!
Leah
NJoy – Find the middle path. You do not have to be right to be happy. You say you would NEVER do such and such but it is not true. He is a reflection of you. Find the ways you disregard him and then learn to be tolerant for him as you too do similar things (if not the exact same things). I had to see that I do not want to follow all of my hubby’s requests of me just as he does not want to follow all of my requests. Once I saw the similarity in personality I found tolerance and acceptance of him. How do you disregard this man’s feelings? Is it by getting angry with him from time to time? How do you disregard his feelings. See that you two are one int he same. That is how to begin the path to ONENESS – see that you have attracted your mirror and then apply tolerance. After tolerance, you will not feel so hot. Next try to express your feelings in a question…
Baby, why do you think I fell so jealous about this B? Do you think I am insecure? What should I do about it honey because I don’t like feeling this way?
Do you see how vulnerable that is?
That is way better than getting angry – get vulnerable so that he can help you He is wise.
As you do, you are also telling him how you feel rather than indicting him. He will feel more responsive to you when you talk about your feelings and ask for help. He will secretly want to protect you from this next time, now that he knows how you feel. But he will never be different if you get angry. In fact, you run the risk of losing him because he will feel unsuccessful with you, like he can’t do anything right. Men want success – women want love. We can both have BOTH with the right language and the right perspective.
Bliss and Light
Jujumama xoxoxox