So I have loads of people asking me this question. I mean the emails are off the hook! Everyone wants to know how they can tell if their own relationship is ready to open. An open relationship is one in which both partners are free to have outside partners on an intimate and emotional level.
Here is a little checklist of attributes that I would say serve as prerequisites for this type of love… open love. Now mind you, some relationships will never be ready and that too is OK. This is not for everyone, but what is? LOL! And we highly suggest you secure Love Coaching is you want to walk this path with your partner…
OK – so here is the list. Whether you are in a marriage or a committed relationship or single, the list still applies…
You know that you are ready for an open relationship if and only if:
1. You have a spiritual practice that brings you peace in the face of any adversity. If you view life as a series of challenges that will grow you, then you are most certainly ready because open relating will challenge you to grow! You are well aware that life is a journey and that people change and that your mate as well as yourself will always change. You are ready for change an all the challenges that come with it.
2. You are fully cognizant that you create your life. The blame game is dead. You are the author and star in your own show. No one is doing anything to you. You are not a victim in your life. You’d have to own your life as such in order to stomach the challenges in an open relationship.
3. You are sexually progressive and guilt-free. In other words, you are not caught up in the six year old mentality of sex in America. You are fully aware that sex is sacred. You know that sensual energy is not lust. Your sensual energy toward another person is a calling for deep healing. You follow your highest senses in determining when and how to open sensually to another. This is not a numbers game.
4. You are not concerned with what others may think of you. The open relationship is a lifestyle that is not the norm in the good ole USA. You will face criticism from others if you are critical of yourself (you will always and only attract who and what you are – so if others criticize you, you too are in judgment of your own actions ALWAYS). You’d have to work on this.
5. You are a leader at heart. There are no set rules to this lifestyle. Indeed, you and your mate have to determine your own protocols. This will require your management skills, diplomacy, and discipline. You and your mate will not agree on every facet of this at all times. You will have to compromise and use your spiritual skills to find middle ground. This is very important. If you are used to following the pre-cut mold of modern society, you will not be able to create your own rules.
6. You need to know your gender role. Whether you are male or female, you have to understand Yin and Yang. You cannot be outside of your role and accomplish this properly. You will have to work with loads of individuals and there will need to be proper yin and yang in place in those relationships. If you are masculine as a woman relating to a masculine man, you will create serious issues in your relationships. If you are feminine as a man relating to a masculine or feminine woman, you will not have what it takes to make ONE relationship work let alone various relationships. LGBT same applies… there must be one who is feminine and one who is masculine in order to form harmonious relations.
7. You have to transcend jealousy and replace it with compersion. Compersion is a term that means a desire to see your mate happy, even if it is with another human being. This is a tough one, for men and women. Often, we think we can handle it, but when the _____ hits the fan, we are upset and disappointed. We may become passive aggressive with our primary mates once he or she actually DOES IT with another person. This will not work for long in an open relationship.
8. You have to be fully committed to your primary mate. You primary mate or spouse would be fully clear that you are fully committed to him or her, that means that no one else will be able to come along and steal you away from that primary situation. You may also develop primary relationships outside your first… Without a strong foundation where both/all individuals are very secure with the relationship/s there will be failure in Openness.
9. You are willing to examine yourself and exercise personal growth. You will experience a series of emotions in an open relationship. You have to be willing to develop yourself personally. You will be tested and pushed to the limit! YES! I can tell you for sure! You will have to be willing to look at your own responses and examine those emotions based on your own need to change rather than your partner’s need to change. Once you change, the situation will clear up, even if your partner is “misbehaving” you will be able to shift his or her behavior with your own change…
10. You have to understand the true purpose of relationships. Relationships are not for the purpose of romance and good feelings, relationships are all about personal growth and development. If you don’t get that, you will be looking for love in the streets or in your primary marriage rather than finding the luscious lessons you are learning from each individual you may work with on an intimate level. And yes, I said work. Relationships are work whether you are in a primary relationship or open. Do not open your relationship if you have not realized that you are with your spouse not to be in love every day of your life, but to continually stretch yourself beyond your own current boundaries. You will always see flaws in your mate – why? Because you are looking at your own reflection. You have to be willing to know this so that all of your relationships have clear purpose. He or she is not there to make you happy. He or she is there to show you yourself and make you know yourself even more intimately.
Well, that’s it! This could take years of development. This is a spiritual journey. This is not a joke or a fad. Sex outside of your primary relationship is not simply sex. It comes along with responsibility. I hope this helps…
Again, we coach hundreds of couples, call us if you need us! We are here for you.
Muah! xoxoxoxox
It’s JujuMama
Ok so I am literally doing everything on the list !! hence, why things are soo juicy with us!!!
Open relationships are a big step. But I definitely see it as a possibility in the near future which means I'm going to meet someone who thinks the same thing! Exciting! I love trying new things, especially when I fall in love with that thing. I introduced the idea of open relationships to a few men I know and they are not as embracing of it as I thought they would. Western society has gotten the men too! Lol. Love should be free flowing!
MMMmmm….
Kitty Katana
Okay so i will be trueful after reading this. I dont think my relationship would be in favor of a open relationship. Maybe because we are still growing. If this ever happens I think we are a long way from it but this was something that really open my mind to think about some things.
As someone who has known for quite sometime that my next relationship will evolve into an open relationship, it was great reading the 10 ways to know if you're ready. I feel I still have a little more work to do on my own first, but I so look forward to what the near future has in store. Thanks for the lesson.
Your 'name' sounds familiar…are you based in Atlanta and connected to a professor?
I was based in Atlanta… but no I am not connected to a Professor… However, I am a professor. LOL! I live in New York now…
I have found that the majority of men are too insecure to even consider such a thing as an open relationship. They would much rather lie and cheat. Something about the darkness of lying, secrecy, that makes it seem exciting, and that they are controlling and calling the shots! It's unfortunate, because I do believe there are some woman that are interested in such relationships.
Many cultures practice the open relationship. Even in those cultures there are some who are not for the open thing. They are wrapped in each other. Because we create our own lives and reality. We can attract someone who is willing to be open. Or attract someone who will wrap up in us as we desire to wrap up in them.
I think the open relationship thing is great, but it really needs to be taken seriously, and i agree with you, some people are just to be wrapped in each other, I gave my husband the option, because i always though thats a way of life, ( for me it was) but you are right.
Check out the celestine prophecy the movie.
Is the 'open relationship' lifestyle of our Gods? or of their Gods? I would like to know, even though i am comfortable with it, i am entering a new life-circle and would like to get that cleared up, right NOW – it doesn't matter to me, i've been married 5 years and we still act as we have just met and fallen in love. I do agree sex is something greatly spiriutal but i know some of us are very unaware of what true spirituality is i do have my concers as to how far it can go. can i spitually connect with 5000 people?.
Hey jujumama
I found out about your site through a reader of my site, 'thefemininewoman.com'.
I find this entire concept that you practice with your husband very interesting.
However, you talking about this (on another part of your blog) – 'natural' feeling of desire to make passionate love to another man we saw on the street, and asking whether we've all felt it, (well you appear to be assuming that we all have this experience, but i could be wrong about that) – I personally don't feel that.
Are you and your husband aware that there are other mammal species OTHER than humans, who actually practice monogamy?
How do you explain that?
Furthermore – I would like to bring up the topic of what is 'natural'. In this scenario, (again I could be misunderstanding your beliefs) I think you're equating this feeling of sexual polarity and therefore a desire to have sex with another member of the opposite sex is like 'hard-wiring'.
But what OF hard-wiring, really? What of what is, or 'feels' natural?? It's all dependent on that individual person's belief and value systems.
If things all come down to what feels natural to us, and hard-wiring, then how do you explain people who self-harm, or kill themselves, or deprive themselves of food willingly (anorexics)?
Ultimately, all we're looking for is a feeling.
The feminine energy wants to be owned, and the masculine energy wants to own and to feel free. There's a lot of talk nowadays of the masculine and feminine (and hence my own site), and I see that you guys are taking it to a whole different, new level.
Anyway, enough of my rant, I don't disagree with an open relationship – I think everyone will do what works best for them. I can see you guys are seeking to help others, so – that's fantastic
Best regards.
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