Here is the note I got today from a young lady concerned about virginity…
Kenya
I’ve always been taught to “wait” for the “right” person to have sex with and I do believe in monogamy. Lately I’ve been reading your blog and I know you talk about attraction and opportunity. I’m 19 years old and have never had sex. The opportunity of sex has always been there, but there was no one I ever felt it would be “right” with. I thought I would be in a relationship with a man, fall in love, etc. then have sex with him. But for the first time I’ve met a man whom I have no desire to be in a relationship with but I am extremely attracted to him mentally, physically and emotionally. I know that we attract what we are but I can’t seem to figure this one out. I admit that I am nervous about being alone with him because there is no doubt that I would give myself to him. I know I would not regret it because I don’t regret any decisions that I make, instead I simply learn from them. I don’t agree with everything you say but I am open to all that you say. With that being said I would appreciate some insight on this.
Thank you,
Anonymous
I have replied below… Thanks!
So the question of virginity is a serious one… First, I know a bit more of this young lady’s history than you might think. She has refrained from sex because she did not want to be like the other girls who were having promiscuous sex at an early age. So she was rebelling against participating in her natural sexual desire because of what seemed unnatural in a society that does four things:
• Pit’s young girls against sexuality very young using scare tactics and guilt
• Creates excessive curiosity about sex due to media hype
• Creates an environment where girls who DO are seen as sluts
• Does not offer a viable or realistic time line for young girls to become married.
When is it appropriate to have sex? High School, college, after college, marriage? Most would say marriage, but marriage is not assured and young girls know that. Girls can see that they are basically on their own with finding love…
These four concerns above are the reason why the young lady who wrote the letter is asking if she can trust her own feelings! This lack of trust in my own sensual self rocked my world as a young girl. I was afraid of sex because of the fear of STD’s and pregnancy, both of which are real concerns, however, these concerns were a major topic when speaking of sex with adults. Rarely did adults say “Well, sex is fun, fabulous and wonderful – you should really enjoy it once you find the right type of guy.” No way! They said, use a condom, don’t get pregnant, the world is dangerous…be careful! Be a good girl…
Mothers didn’t seem to be trying to help us prepare for marriage either, right? Rather, we were prepared for college. I bet that’s true of the young woman who wrote this letter…yes?
No relationships classes or support in college either. Girls were on their own for the first time. Many went buck wild with sex. But it was still seen as taboo. The girls who were having sex were seen as ‘fast’ or ‘slutty’; Even in college! The virgins, or the ones who said they were virgins, were somehow a commodity…
All this was going on even as science has proven that a girl will long for babies most, and experience the best time for child bearing and rearing from age 14 – 24. But these years are spent trying to figure out if it was OK to want sex or not. And most girls i knew really wanted it – spoken or unspoken!
I have recently had young clients just like the young lady who wrote the letter above who are actually afraid of their own desire for sex! Recently a young lady wanted to have sex and in fact did have sex with her college boyfriend only to starve herself for days afterward in order to not become pregnant. She exhibited nervous disorders around a heightened fear of pregnancy. Why? If her mom were to find out that she was pregnant, she would be disappointed. Her life would be ruined!
This may help the reader who asked the initial question about whether or not she should have sex. Really she is asking can she trust her sensual desire. Can she trust who she attracts…
Here is a post I wrote about how to start young girls off the right way to become sex-positive. This will also assist our anonymous question asker.
To answer your question, I cannot tell you how to conduct your affairs. But if you were my 19 year old girl, I would take you to teach you of tantra, I would encourage you to explore sexuality with the person you have attracted. I would keep close tabs on your life and ask you if you are experiencing orgasm as you should, ask you how you enjoy your sensual life and what could be better? I would educate you and hold you in my arms and show you how it feels to embrace your own sensual power… I would initiate you and prepare you for healing, amazing, fruitful, sweet intercourse! I would encourage you to always enjoy it and savor the moments and be healed by it… I would call you back to your natural self, your natural sensual self. And you would receive love – beautiful, bountiful love…
Enough said? What are your thoughts on virginity and young girls?
I hope that helps… If you’d like a one on one coaching session with me, just book here!
Muah!
Jujumama
To Hakashamut and the 19 yo reader who is a virgin,
I'd like to offer an opportunity for your reader to get a different perspective on this one. I also am not one to say "wait for marriage," but at least with someone that offers some "predictability" for lack of a better word at this time.
Sex is sacred-you've stated that many times. It can be okay, mediocre, awesome, or downright fabulously magical! This coming from a woman who has been married more than 12 years, has 5 children, multiple orgasms, true tantric understanding/practice and 4 joyful, orgasmic, splendid homebirths.
At 35, I am not an elder but not wet behind the ears, if you know what I mean. I've seen many, many, many of my friends go in and out of relationships of many kinds. And one thing I've witnessed is, that magical,healing experience happens when there is a deeper connection than just physical.(heck, you yourself said you didn't experience this magical healing until after more than 10 years of marriage).
more to come…
continued…
If this young lady does not have anything deeper with this man than just physical desire, she may be left feeling even more confused and possibly regretful/resentful that she allowed sex to happen just because she simply desired it. What she is feeling is sensual desire, which is primal, instinctual. (keep in mind that she also has an instinct to not do it, too). She has no desire to have a deeper connection with this man. Without knowing whether he feels the same (is he already married, in a relationship?) she could be setting herself up.
A woman's sensual desire is powerful and even more powerful when willfully and skillfully utilized, rather than squandered on someone who has not expressed a caring, relating intention. Without the proper tools, just doing it for desire's sake can be quite a tricky thang.
keep reading…
My friends that I have witnessed that were virgins at an age past "whateva" and chose to have sex with a man they knew but were not in a mutually caring relationship with, found themselves angry, hurt and regretful (no-you don't want to go there-it's the stuff of illness) that they "gave it up" to a man who did not want to be with them on a deeper level. Some (most) found themselves pregnant and single and some with a man who came to abuse them. This, because somehow, the men were conditioned to lose respect(if they had it to begin with) for a woman who merely wanted sex from them and nothing else. Some were even abused from the disrespect. And yes, some started committed relationships with the men too.
-continued below (comment is too long…)
So, I'm just saying-yes, I can understand the strong sensual desire. A healthy young woman is supposed to have that. But that doesn't mean you should do it with any or every Dick or Derek that comes along that you have some chemistry with. Rather, do something "about" it.
Harness it to make some things happen in your life. That power works best when held onto at key times (ever hear about how athletes/performers/artists delay having sex until after their performance? There's some real chi [energy] in that) or allowed to multiply with someone who has a deep connection with you. And let me say from experience, you can change your life and the world around you when you experience sex on a spiritual level. It's harder to come by when you dont have that mutual caring, at least.
How many people would LOVE to go back and let their first times be truly magical? That's really where the opportunity lies.
cont–
Just offering another perspective in this dialogue-if it's not too late, LOL. And I completely agree with you about the western society's ways of conditioning our people about relationships. But it can be treated like a buffet: Keep the best and throw out the rest. These are just my thoughts on this early morning.
Take care!
Thank you for this!!!
greetings all!
i was raised a devout christian…and the whole burning in hell thing was a HUGE deterrent for a long time…that took me through high school and undergrad…i had oral sex for the first time when i hit grad school…and frankly…i think that everybody in gradschool needs regular oral sex
but i digress…
i "waited" until i was 27 to have actual intercourse…i was not in love…i didn't particularly want to be in a relationship…but he was the perfect guy…it was the PERFECT time…the perfect place…it was the kind of experience that i want my daughters to have…it was a complete and total act of worship…i sent him a thank you card a couplea weeks later.
i thanked him for his peaceful spirit and for being present with me to help guide me through that particular gateway of womanhood.
GIRL if it FEELS right? DO IT! i'd say that i wish that i'd done so at your age…but my time was such perfection that i'm of the SAME mind as jujumama…if you feel that you're ready…go for it! follow your bliss!
i found that for me…the most important factors in the magic…were our mutual attraction and trust…not trust as in "i don't want you to tell anybody" but the trust that made us feel safe and free being naked and intimate with each other…
WOW! i so needed this right now! i'm in my early 20's & completed undergrad a virgin out of total fear. nowadays i find myself thinking & desiring sex more & more each day & its so frustrating. i feel better about my feelings & thoughts now lol. thank you for this & all comments posted!
I believe it starts with acceptance. No male has to honor her virginity. She does. The males she is attracting are simply responding to her desire. Thus, to attract the males she wants, she has to change her desire.
Yeah, yeah easier said than done. However first you have to say it.
I think, wetness
I think connection,
I think ecstasy,
I think rhythm,
I think receiving and giving,
I think relaxation,
I think ultimate creation!