You know I love email… unfortunately we receive too many questions to answer here… but we did choose to take these here on the blog! Thank you Writer!!
I have been reading your blog for several months now and began following you and your husband on twitter recently. At first I thought this method of intimate relating was somewhat of a hoax, or cult of some sort. How could I possibly love two men or more and watch them love others as well simultaneously and not feel wronged, or in the wrong? I say this knowing that I have had feelings like this in the past and suppressed them in an effort to be the good Christian woman that I was conditioned to be. You have written extensively about your journey and I have a few questions to ask.
Had you come to this revelation prior to marrying – would you have remained single?
Kenya K Stevens: I can’t know that. I did not know about this before I was married.
The point of our Progressive Love Movement is that love progresses… Human beings are dynamic. We are always changing and growing. My husband came to me and told me about his desire to have other women at year ten. I had two options at that point, flip out with rage, and take my kids and leave; or welcome the change.
The change was a difficult for me, I thought there was something I was not doing that would make him desire other women. Then I recalled my desire for other men even in the first years of our marriage, the naturalness of these desires… and although I would never have followed the desire being the good girl I was trained to be, other men were always there, even in my fantasy world.
Furthermore, I was deluded and could not see that my husband wasn’t saying he did not love me, he was saying he loved me and wanted to love more… wanted US to love more. It took two years of discussion to understand TRUTH. The point is we were both secretly feeling a way. He had the courage to come and open the discussion, and I had to then welcome change. I had already witnessed ten years of his changes and mine. I knew well that what I desired at age 21 is not what I desired at age 31. But I hadn’t imagined that I’d ever have to face it. It was an intellectual thing that I thought was impossible to solve.
Fortunately, my husband never cheated on me, so I was more than willing to hear him. Also I was fortunate enough to know that he would never even talk to me about his feelings if I had not made him feel comfortable telling me the truth. I had been practicing for some time just hearing him rather than judging him as I had for the first eight years…
So if I had known about this before marriage, I can’t say that I would or would not have married him. But I am most certainly glad I did marry my very best friend and life partner, Carl Stevens.
Writer’s Question: Some Native American groups and other Nomadic people choose to have a contractual agreement with their partners. I understand that. But, I mean does open relating go against monogamy or does monogamy and polyamory coexist?
Kenya K Stevens:
Monogamy is not the operative word because human beings are not monogamous. Monogamy means the desire to mate with one partner for life. This is never how human beings have functioned, so we are serial monogamous at best. Correct?
This is an interesting idea so I replaced monogamy with the word and concept of Mono~harmony and polyamory co-exist. I am mono~harmonious with my husband, meaning I am more than willing to love him and only him and he is willing to love me and only me for life AND I am willing to love him forever no matter who he loves and he is willing to love me forever no matter who I love. Either way it goes, we are one. We have a mono~harmonious union.
Human beings are meant to love everyone. I love everyone. Just because I am mono-harmonious with my husband for life, doesn’t mean that I can’t fall in love with other men and for him other women. I can be Mono~Harmonious with as many men as will have me for that kind of union and so can my husband with his various women. This does not take away from but adds to our mono-harmonious union as we have vowed to be together for life; to witness one another’s lives.
I like the way the Native people did things. The marriage contract was sound and included one man and one woman for life, but sex was not a part of that agreement, nor was love. Love and sex belonged to the community, men and women were free to love and have healing (sex) anyone they wanted. This did not take away from but added to the various mono-harmonious unions.
Question: Is this something to explore once in a committed relationship or is this a good foundation to put in place prior to?
Kenya K Stevens: Well, if a partner wants to talk about opening the marriage before the marriage, that is a fine goal to aspire to, but in my opinion it should not happen in the beginning. In my opinion it could take up to seven to ten years to truly become firm with your purpose and your partner. Maybe this will be a shorter time as we evolve. I firmly believe open relating cannot be explored until there is a sound primary union. My husband and I teach a course on Mastering Mono-Harmony. In this course we stress the importance of mastering the union of duality before exploring more complex unions. This is paramount to the success of open relating. Here is the path to Mastery as far as JujuMama’s Love Academy is concerned:
- Gender Harmonics – Found in our first Books
- Sensual Harmonics – Found in i2 Tantra
- Progressive Harmonics – Progressive Love Principles
- Integrative Harmonics – Integrating all these Mono-Harmoniously
I will give you an example of why it is important to master all four of these levels above before opening a marriage. This summer I was deeply in love and living with my boyfriend. At the end of the summer, when my boyfriend broke up with me I had to be able to work my husband back in as my primary lover. For nine months, my boyfriend was my primary lover. My sex life with my husband had waned, and we were more like best friends. My husband couldn’t be prideful, in fact he was an angel for me…
If we were not skilled in relating to one another, he would have been insanely jealous that I had another man who I spent more intimate time with than him! Same on my side, because I know that my husband is committed to me for life, and that nothing will erode our vows to one another (which is not something that even most monogamous couples can say), and that we choose partnership for life, I am not upset or jealous when he loves another. Even if feelings come up, they are something I can discuss with him, and he can comfort me and vice versa.
Recall that the basis of jealousy is fear. So essentially I do not fear that he will leave me or toss me aside. I feel so secure that the normal human jealousy is overridden when he has a lover or I have a lover. This took time, patience, energy, sacrifice and hard work. This security and love needs to be in place before a couple can open the relationship. It took years of hard work and dedication and commitment on both our parts.
Question: My second question is a little embarrassing.
Your husband once said on twitter that he did not need to be in the same city with a female client “to make her completely orgasmic”, you always seem to be blissfully satisfied. In all honesty it’s the type of feeling I long to maintain. Not just experience momentarily as it slips away immediately after orgasm. How do I learn this from California?
Kenya K Stevens:
Yes, my husband can and has many times made a woman completely orgasmic via phone sessions. And yes, any man can do this when he knows how to use his own energy to produce healing effects instead of tension sex. The sessions he does are very powerful healing sessions for women in which they do become powerfully orgasmic and satisfied.
If you would like to have a distance tantra session with my husband – The session is called Feminine Rebalance and it involves several sessions of phone tantra… You will love it!
My disposition is one of consistent bliss, even when my heart is broken, my funds are low, my kids are acting up or whatever because I know that joy comes from within. I can become completely orgasmic without touching my body in any spot! I can do it on a moments notice. This has come with learning and incorporating tantra skills and spiritual principles. These principles are to be lived, not intellectualized, so you’d have to see for yourself! xo
Question: Kenya please teach me your secret!
I did a recording a few months ago about how to achieve female orgasm and ejaculation. You can obtain that recording 2 hours and slides here. DEEP TRANCE ORGASMIC BLISS FOR WOMEN
Final Thought from Writer: Reaching out is a huge step for me in a very new direction. Exciting as it is, this new concept is very scary for me and unlike anything I’d consider just 6 months ago.