It Isn’t A Chase He Wants…

Greetings and de-light to you!  I have been meaning to pen this post for quite a while now, but I’ve been too busy.  Today, however, I take the time to do it because a friend inspired me this morning… well actually it began on Twitter yesterday when a young woman wrote that she doesn’t have sex on the first date, even when she wants to, because of societal norms that would taint her a whore.  I posted this on JujuMama’s fan page to see what the response would be and if any other women felt this way.

Well, all the women felt this way!  And one woman cited that she felt men need a chase…

Well, here I am begging to differ.  In fact, I vehemently oppose the view that men need a chase.  I believe that we have, like the quote above points out, judged men with a feminine ruler on this one – truly.  And I know this runs against all modern day logic, but that is what we do here at Jujumama and it is a job that must be done; a job we are extremely proud of.

So, if I am telling you that men don’t want a chase, then what do men want?  Why is it that so many women find themselves giving in to the temptation of a first night fling in the bedroom only to find that the man doesn’t call her ever again?  Or worse, maybe she finds herself in a rabid affair with a loving man who fizzles out after just a few romps in the sack.  Oh yeah, that’s worse, right?

So here is the skinny.  I’m going to try to make this short and sweet.

Men do not want a chase, they want a success!

That is the key!  I’ll tell you a little story.  I once was friends with a very handsome upper middle class white male.  He had the most fabulous loft apartment in Atlanta.  He was going to help me write a business plan until I found his fee would be 30,000!  At the time, I didn’t have that kind of money to pay him for his time, although I knew it would be worth my while.  So we didn’t work together on that.  But we did remain friends long enough for him to tell me that he had just made love to a woman the night before we met!  I don’t know… people always begin telling me these stories when they find I am a love coach…

Anyway, he said that he really liked the girl, but that he would probably never see her again.  I asked him why not.  And he proceeded to unlock the very mystery I solve for you today.  He said something very important:  “Kenya, this girl made love to me, but the entire time I felt like she was holding back.  I tried every way to please her, but she seemed rather non-orgasmic.  I think she had a little orgasm, but in the morning she told me how guilty she felt, and how she shouldn’t have done this, and how she has NEVER done this before… “.  That’s it.  That is all he had to say to solve the mystery.

For me he had unlocked the doorway that I had felt but had never had enough evidence to prove.  Men want a success in the bedroom, every time and all the time.  If men sense a woman is feeling badly, locked up from the inside, refusing to enjoy herself because she is worried about being called or deemed a whore, then the man can’t do what he wishes to do which is PLEASE HER!

So what happens in the long run is that men actually sleep with the woman, on the first date, and with her admissions of guilt feel BADLY about the whole thing as if he has done something bad or wrong, and who wants that?  What HEALER wants to feel that he has created a problem for a woman?  What supplier of goods wants to know that his goods weren’t enough to please a woman or worse, that his packages of love actually caused the woman the pain of feeling guilty or feeling less than valued.

This tells a man right away that this woman is not please-able and will probably never allow him to work his magic in her life.

Now if you are huffing and puffing feeling as though the men you were with who never called you again could NEVER have been thinking so deeply and really just are DOGS or bad people, I want you to know that this is a sub-conscious thing.  Men are NATURALLY desirous of pleasing you.  Men naturally want to do right by you.  But they are not taught to express this.  And they are not taught how to actually do this effectively.  So they are VERY insecure about this.

Just imagine having a baby and no one is there to tell you how to do it, now you’re in public with the baby and you’re failing at how to care for the child.  You’ve been in public when you can’t calm your baby, or seen a woman having such an experience!  It sucks!  You feel like you SHOULD be able to do this, but everyone around you is looking at you as a failure.  You feel badly, you don’t want to be seen again by these people, you feel helpless and you retreat maybe to cry alone.

This is what men do and this is how men feel when this sort of thing happens.

Even if the case is that you have made love a few times and you seem to be developing well.  If each time you have sex you talk about how guilty you feel, or you show that you wish things were different, wish you had made him commit, you insinuate that you are sinning, or making a mistake, or you HOPE you are not making a mistake or you are afraid that he will not stay, then he feels like a failure.

He is not able to secure you, please you, make you happy, make you stop worrying, make you loosen up… jeeeeezzzz!  it hurts!  The baby is crying and everyone is looking and he’d rather not have to face you anymore.  PERIOD.

So is it a chase he wants?  Hell no!  My husband, I had sex with him on the second date!  He loves me to this day, 16 years later.  The only reason I didn’t make love to him on the first date was that I had another date afterward and I was making love to THAT guy… lol!  But when we made love, I felt happy, I felt whole, I told him how good he is, how wonderfully I felt.  I never let a word in about feeling he wouldn’t be there, or being guilty about it, or maybe this was a mistake.  I told him instead, that I am a highly sexual being and I LOVE making love… and you know what?  He LOVED it!

Same with my boyfriend David.  I LOVE making love to him, and from the outset, he saw clearly how much his touch meant to me.  He saw that I was totally open to him, I had no shame or guilt or regrets.  I never tossed into his face that I had ALLOWED him in and now he owes me a relationship.  I never used sex as a commodity, it was all for me and received every drop and this made him hornier and hornier for me, even to this day!  He will be here next week in fact and it’s been over a year!

So the point is clear.  I hope you can receive this…

I will give you this.  If men want a chase, what they are hunting for is something please-able so they can see their POWER!  Men want to see how powerful and beautiful and strong they are.  I allow my men to see this each time we make love!  I’m not saying I’m perfect, but in terms of sex, I have learned that I have to enjoy and relax and not put on a show.  I have to let HIM be the show so that he can see his own power.  This is the honey that keeps the men running back with money… lol!

Give that man some SUCCESS… no need to perform, just receive and he will be yours forever.  He will never be able to get enough.  I promise…

Can you dig it?

I hope so.

Let me know your thoughts!

Love and Light

Kenya K Stevens

Sharing is Caring


  1. Lovely Lady

    I use to wish I had of slept with Pat the first night but after reading this Im glad we didn't because I would of been the one saying how guilty I felt so I'm glad it worked out the way it did.

    1. kenya k stevens

      Makes perfect sense. You know best where you are. But at least you have some new perspective. Thanks so much for your love and support. xoxo

    1. kenya k stevens

      Thanks for checking this post. Glad you likey!!!!! I really don't like to close posts because I want the whole world to know this… but I'm happy to have about 100 people out of 1400 members who donate to this blog each month and I couldn't be more appreciative for you! My kids and family depend on this – we want to provide value and great service… useful service… #respect

  2. Ronda

    Love what you wrote Kenya…But what about the men…wonder how and what they feel about women who are willing to make love on the first date…Would be interesting to compare their views to the views of women…Men of color in particular…Only because "they" have been raised with different idealogies not just from their momma's but from the community as well…
    Thank you for bloging this one..

  3. HurricaneLady

    Good question Ronda. I do play by the no sex too soon game…I have done it b4 quickly and other times I have waited. I think that what Kenya says is very true for men on the subconscious level but consciously most men will not view you as valueable if he has gotten you so easily base dupon what they have learned socially & culturally. We have not progressed as a society. If you meet a mate that is open from jump you are blessed…Like Kenya , I am very sensual (not so much kinky) and I love intimacy but I want the whole experienece & it seems that some men I date love the sensualness of me but get scared off because when I am intimate I am all in & open … I think I may be too intense and unknowingly I am demanding more of them and they are not ready or they are feeling the comfortability to do go deeper with me …I LOVE THIS POST & will meditate on it…

  4. mistyprest

    Makes perfect sense and looking back on my past relationships and sexual encounters…when I was open, the relationship progressed…when I felt 'guilty', they ran for the hills (or I did). Ha. Interesting. Makes sense though…makes sense…

  5. KWGcoach

    Kenya, as a men's coach, I have to say that you have nailed it. Though I don't "coach" women, I do get asked a lot and I quote from Allison Armstrong's book "Understanding Men" often, and she gives similar coaching to her women.

    1. kenya k stevens

      Coming from a male coach, you have made my day. I'd stated the intention last night to hear from a male on this, I didn't expect it to be a person of your calibur. Thanks for sharing your comment. I appreciate your words… I hope the women can really understand this and put it to use… xoxo

  6. AbiYah Love Elat

    On point, as usual. I'm currently working with a cohort of individuals on releasing inhibitions…I must share this!

  7. AfroGoddess

    Wow. I had a sexcapade this weekend, with an Alpha male from the North, mmh. I hadn’t read the blog, but I kept hearing that incessant pessimist voice call out inside, lucky for me, i hit the "ignorance" button, and managed to enjoy my Saturday.. he calls me his "angel" / "empress" now .. awwwww
    Did I mention, I hunted him down – Kenya’s blog where she danced on the ancient rituals where women chose men helped build up confidence for that endeavour – anyway, the (relation)ship is sailing smoothly so far

  8. TrayM.

    I'm so glad you posted this! This is totally relevant to me–I have done this before and now I understand. Thanks so much for sharing this perspective!

  9. Judith Grant

    I for the most part always hold back sexually and I love SEX! I hold back with the notion that is the man is not giving me what I want emotionally, then he can’t get all of me sexually. I will only give basic sex. I can’t wait to implement not using sex as commodity. I’m going to see how it works out for me. Hmm, I guess my guy-friend is not emotionally open because I’m not sexually open. This has been going on for 9 months. I’m going to try something different.

  10. tasja

    Yes. AWESOME is the only word for what you bring here. Love and Brilliant Light. Blessings to you as you bring your message uniquely. xox

  11. Ladyj

    I’m so glad I read this I’m soooooooooo sexually attracted to this guy who has asked me out. In my head we’ve already done the deed, but I thought if I made advances he would think less of me. I’ve already made a couple of comments as to me not being a slut after making “simple” comment about his sexual energy. He said ‘I’ve never thought that ” and know a slut when he c one. But society has realy screwed women up . I’m so grateful for you…(Yes I will be wearing the special lingerie on wednesday) Wish Me luck!

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