I am not a swinger. From what I understand, swinging is the idea of having outside sexual affairs along with your partner. Swinging usually happens at parties or lavish affairs where people get together, get naked and have some fun! Usually the husband or wife involved is able to stop any behavior that makes them feel uncomfortable, or even watch as their partner makes love to another.
The idea of swinging is to keep emotions out of sex, and this is where I part ways with the philosophy. In my humble view, making love is just that – making love. Love and sex were never meant to be separated. However, in our cultural framework we’ve separated these concepts and attempted to live lives where the two are seen as separate.
As much as some would like to defend the idea of sex and love being seperate, I do not. This is due to the fact that love is the essence of all actions, whether seen as good or bad, negative or positive happenings. Why do I say this?
Let’s look at a sex deviant. The basis of his or her actions is simple. This person is looking for love. The way these persons go about their quest for admiration, good feelings, validation and so forth seem questionable to most. But at the essence, when we break through the ignorance and lies – we find that all these persons desire is love…
Maybe it began in youth, maybe these persons were misguided, lacking love, lacking compassion and deep care and concern of parents and community. This left a hole in their hearts too big to fill with the limited ways in which we are allowed to love in this culture. These people could not conform to the acute normative expectations we have for “good citizens” in modern times. So instead of going about this quest for love and acknowledgement in a healthy way, they swayed from the norm.
I say all of that to express the fact that every action is based on a desire for love… period. Sex too is a format for creating this feeling of bonding, love, kindness, care and acknowledgement… it could never be anything different. Even a quest for “power” is a quest for acknowledgement, validation and essentially love…
So enter the idea of open relating… the fact of the matter is we are always seeking and providing and igniting and desiring love. So in an open relationship, we do not seperate love from sex. If I have sex with a man, for instance, it is for the sole purpose to share and experience this love that is the essence of the Universe itself!
My husband and I deeply love any sex partner we engage, which is why we do not label our partners “sex partners”. We allow our emotions to be present with us along the journey of love taken with so many… actually with all of our partners.
Open lovers (often called Polyamourous couples) have many loving partners. If a woman loves another man outside her partner, does she love him more or less than her husband? No. She loves him for what he is and who he is. It’s fair to say love is different amongst the many we care for, but the value is equivalent across the board.
If a man in a poly couple is in love with another woman, his wife does not expect that he will profess he loves her MORE than his other partner. She would want him to love his partner/s for what she is and who she is… Poly women don’t need men to love one MORE than the other. This would break the circle of community and light we are creating.
Finally, as for Progressive Love – we like for couples to have a firm grasp on the purpose and process of love before they open. We also suggest opening in three steps – not just going directly to Open Relating sexually. I did a video on this some time ago – Non-Sexual Open relating.
So the major difference between swinging and open relating is simple. One is based on loving many people emotionally, and the other is based on choosing many sex partners whom share no emotional bonding at all. When we add Progressive Love – we can prepare the mind and spirit for loving expansively without the troubles of insecurity, jealousy, or other issues that erode even monogamous couples.
I’d love your thoughts on this.
Light to you!
Kenya K Stevens
Is this article on point or off base? I don’t know any swingers personally so I couldn’t ask an expert…
I just don’t understand why someone would get married just to still be in love with and have sex with others. Why not just stay single and call it that?
Well, for me personally I got married when I was 21. 16 years later we have different needs… I don’t see why we’d break up just to have them met.
Do you?
My personal story, I’ve been with my husband for 10 years. Initially, we explored swinging and we decided it wasn’t for us…. Too impersonal, just sex. So we decided to live our “regular” monogamous life but always acknowledging the fact that were honest with each other and find others attractive. Recently we decided to open our marriage ( after reading up on jujumamas blog ) and have been dating 2 wonderful people who are accepting of our love and situation. It’s amazing how when u let universe drive the car, you can actually enjoy the ride and the scenery.
I agree Jhos – a total release of control so that now love is the guide instead of fear… but again, you had monogamy for the first ten years… it takes a real foundation I suppose, would you agree, or do you think maybe for the next generation.. not so much?
For us ( this generation ) we need a good foundation, or perhaps to brake the mold we have had to fit into all this years. By truly accepting and forgiving yourself as you are, one can accept others and how they are, without judgement or control.
If I can teach my 3 yr old what I know now and hope she will break from the mold earlier than we did, I think I’ve done my part in this controlling world we live in now.
Perfect
At the time in my young life I thought swinging was what I craved. Because I had been conditioned to believe that if u feel for someone other than ur mate or emotions get involved then u will have a recipe for disaster.
Still today when we tell our close friends about our decisions they will say, make sure your emotions are in check, don’t let love come in between you. Hubby and I still have growth ahead of us, but I know we will be strong within our love to evolve.
I think the article is way too black and white. I know there are swingers who seek more than ‘just sex’. It may not be ‘love’ by their definition but many seek life time ‘friends’ (which to me certainly is about love) and do not have to shut down emotionally in order to have sex with others. There are of course those who do that too.
And in general I don’t think most people who do have open relationships are at the level you and Carl are Kenya, and for many it IS indeed just about being able to have “sex on the side”. There are of course those who are, but don’t they define themselves as poly rather than open?
There was a time where there as a clear distinction between swingers and poly people and either side liked to point out that that fact, but that has started to break up some time ago.
My question is how do you love someone just as equal as the one who you are married too. If you with somebody then you with somebody, the thing I don’t get is where do you draw the line. Do you have sex with both partners unprotected? Do you alternate nights of who you spend the night with? If your other partner in your life that you love as much as your mate you married to would ask you to have kids would you do that for him/her?
To keep an emotional bond while having sex is cool I guess it makes for the better lovemaking… but sometimes you gotta know when to cut it off for the sake of it not becoming too messy.
I dont know about anyone else, but I think for us love has no limit, you don’t love anyone more or less you just love. Each person in your life is loved differently because they mean something different to you.
And as far as the unprotected sex, kids, sleeping over, etc.. Its something you and your partner/s have to talk about. Being open is just that being open to discuss, to compromise, to share your feelings and desires. Personally were not there but we do talk about possibilities.
Makes sense Martin. There are so many varieties… the article didn’t even mention Poly, it’s true… thanks for the insight… xo
Jhos – you make a lot of sense love… we are on the same thought wave… Ron, Does this answer your questions… ?? I love them. I love everyone and everything… you all make my tummy tingle. xo
Hmmm… I like where you coming from with this! Love really has no limit and if you really love then there shouldn’t be nothing that you can’t discuss or do with or without your partner especially if you have limitless love for that person. Thanks for getting me there!
Now if only I can find an open minded person to share that life with…
Oh yeah lol @ tummy tingle! Too much!
Thank u mama love…..tummy tingles here too !!!:)
Mama love I think we need a progressive love dating site:)!!! What u think?
Of course! Coming this fall! Finally… I’ve been waiting years.
Yes there should realize the reader to RSS my feed to RSS commentary, quite simply
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