I am not a swinger. From what I understand, swinging is the idea of having outside sexual affairs along with your partner. Swinging usually happens at parties or lavish affairs where people get together, get naked and have some fun! Usually the husband or wife involved is able to stop any behavior that makes them feel uncomfortable, or even watch as their partner makes love to another.
The idea of swinging is to keep emotions out of sex, and this is where I part ways with the philosophy. In my humble view, making love is just that – making love. Love and sex were never meant to be separated. However, in our cultural framework we’ve separated these concepts and attempted to live lives where the two are seen as separate.
As much as some would like to defend the idea of sex and love being seperate, I do not. This is due to the fact that love is the essence of all actions, whether seen as good or bad, negative or positive happenings. Why do I say this?
Let’s look at a sex deviant. The basis of his or her actions is simple. This person is looking for love. The way these persons go about their quest for admiration, good feelings, validation and so forth seem questionable to most. But at the essence, when we break through the ignorance and lies – we find that all these persons desire is love…
Maybe it began in youth, maybe these persons were misguided, lacking love, lacking compassion and deep care and concern of parents and community. This left a hole in their hearts too big to fill with the limited ways in which we are allowed to love in this culture. These people could not conform to the acute normative expectations we have for “good citizens” in modern times. So instead of going about this quest for love and acknowledgement in a healthy way, they swayed from the norm.
I say all of that to express the fact that every action is based on a desire for love… period. Sex too is a format for creating this feeling of bonding, love, kindness, care and acknowledgement… it could never be anything different. Even a quest for “power” is a quest for acknowledgement, validation and essentially love…
So enter the idea of open relating… the fact of the matter is we are always seeking and providing and igniting and desiring love. So in an open relationship, we do not seperate love from sex. If I have sex with a man, for instance, it is for the sole purpose to share and experience this love that is the essence of the Universe itself!
My husband and I deeply love any sex partner we engage, which is why we do not label our partners “sex partners”. We allow our emotions to be present with us along the journey of love taken with so many… actually with all of our partners.
Open lovers (often called Polyamourous couples) have many loving partners. If a woman loves another man outside her partner, does she love him more or less than her husband? No. She loves him for what he is and who he is. It’s fair to say love is different amongst the many we care for, but the value is equivalent across the board.
If a man in a poly couple is in love with another woman, his wife does not expect that he will profess he loves her MORE than his other partner. She would want him to love his partner/s for what she is and who she is… Poly women don’t need men to love one MORE than the other. This would break the circle of community and light we are creating.
Finally, as for Progressive Love – we like for couples to have a firm grasp on the purpose and process of love before they open. We also suggest opening in three steps – not just going directly to Open Relating sexually. I did a video on this some time ago – Non-Sexual Open relating.
So the major difference between swinging and open relating is simple. One is based on loving many people emotionally, and the other is based on choosing many sex partners whom share no emotional bonding at all. When we add Progressive Love – we can prepare the mind and spirit for loving expansively without the troubles of insecurity, jealousy, or other issues that erode even monogamous couples.
I’d love your thoughts on this.
Light to you!
Kenya K Stevens