WHY MASTER MONOGAMY?
An interesting question came up in our Open Relationships Facebook Group the other day. Why do we recommend Mastering Monogamy before opening your relationship sexually? I answered succinctly and thought others may have the same question.
The point of mastering monogamy, a term we’ve replaced with Mono-Harmony, is simply to understand that all relationships are for the purpose of growth and development. Understand that everything and everyone we attract into our lives are there to promote our own personal growth, first and foremost. ‘Others’ are not there to make us happy or to give us a feeling of love to carry on into infinity.
I know that goes against current modern relationship convention and wisdom, but it’s the truth. Happiness and love come out of working and growing together. If we truly apply this principle of growth being the center piece in any relationship we can sustain any relationship.
Ok, so if we believe relationships are for growth and actually choose to participate in a monogamous journey with another, how will we know we have “mastered monogamy”? We know we have mastered monogamy when we truly no longer see victims and villains in relationships, no longer feel shame or cast blame on others, no longer feel the need to physically run away from someone (drop out) because of hurt, etc or mentally leave someone (cop out) while staying physically.
That is a quick summary, but go back and really read and contemplate that last sentence. I’m basically saying once we’ve reached a level of proficiency with the Progressive Love Principles we’ve essentially mastered monogamy. It’s that simple.
One can choose to be in an open relationship with a partner without realizing or understanding the Progressive Love principles; it’s just from a coaching perspective we don’t advise couples move from monogamous relating to open relating without some sort of foundation. We want couples to have the best chance for success in the long run; so understanding and practicing Progressive Love principles in your monogamous relationship greatly empowers you.
That said, Progressive Love Principles are fairly high minded principles, most will choose not to fully engage them. But it’s true we don’t need to be in a monogamous relationship, technically, to be open. The generations that follow will go straight to Open because they may not carry the same conditionings and false beliefs into their lives and relationships as we have – especially if we teach them differently as standard relationships continue to fail.
Let’s take a look at what’s so wrong with our current relationship paradigm.
It’s true that monogamy is not the issue. No manmade structure or institution is ever the issue in relating or politics or business or anything. It’s all about the participants, their maturity, focus, etc. Any relationship structure can work. That said, I believe if we are all honest, responsible, have trust for our chosen partners, etc… then we should all be open because being open means we can be whatever we want or need to be at any given moment.
There are many ways to be in an open relationship – both sexual and non sexual. My wife and I speak extensively about that in our videos. We could essentially be Open and never date anyone else except our one partner. The difference between monogamy an the open formats we propose is in traditional monogamy, there are rules saying we can never do such a thing for the rest of life; whereas, Open says how one functions is simply one’s choice.
In the open paradigm we do things because of a choice not force. So we can drop the “ball and chain” references to relationships or “life is over” when you get married when we discuss the open paradigm. We can also drop the blaming and shaming of a partner if he or she were to NOT meet our expectations.
It’s more difficult not to blame in monogamy because we agreed to the rules up front and any violation is generally considered breaking the agreement, but it doesn’t have to be. In fact what most couples do not realize until it’s too late is that people change, relationships change, and the rules agreed to may not always fit, hence the open love paradigm.
WHAT THIS IS ALL REALLY ABOUT: THE JOURNEY OF THE SELF
This whole Progressive Love concept or journey is really about the SELF first as opposed to relationships per se. The only reason we emphasize relationships whether monogamous or open is that the only way to see the SELF is through relating to other people. Well, I would say, it’s the best way to see the self. So essentially the more people we relate to, the more clearly we see ourselves.
Our external environment reflects who and what we are internally or as spiritual beings. In other words, the world around us is simply a projection of our subconscious. What ends up ruining our primary relationships (husband/wife/gf/bf) is that we get the most complete view of our true selves in them. That’s why we both ‘love’ and ‘hate’ (for lack of better word) our partners so much throughout various periods of our lives – because they reflect the best and worst of us.
Open relating and Progressive Relationships in particular inform us on how to handle the trying times, the times when our partners are not doing what we feel they should. And in this way, we make strong couples who do not tear apart when the winds blow. This is essential, we feel, before opening a relationship – to understand that we can stay together through thick and thin and to understand the purpose of the relationship overall.
If you’d like to truly become a Progressive Love couple, whether you are monogamous or sexually open, join us for this awesome six month journey: Master Monogamy 101