Dear Dr. Phil,
Last night I spoke to my mother about my appearance on the Dr. Phil Show. She said what she’s told me since I was very young, “you are aggressive instead of assertive. You have to find a way to present your stances, which have always been unique, without the aggression so that people will find an ear to hear you.”
I agreed with her. I also agreed with friends and family who thought I was defensive and overly assertive during the appearance.
I’d like to extend my deepest heartfelt apology to Dr. Phil and to everyone for my overly dominant conversation style. I’d also like the opportunity to explain what was going through my mind, if you’d care to hear my truth.
As soon as we were asked to appear on the show, I began watching Dr. Phil clips on YouTube. What I saw were people coming on the show with major issues and Dr. Phil boldly setting them straight. I asked myself, why should I appear on this show? I do not desire Dr. Phil’s advise on my love style. I honestly adore this consciously chosen open love and would not change it, even if Dr. Phil said it was inappropriate. However, spirit in me said “do it – It’s time for more people to hear about Progressive Love”.
Nervously, I posted our coming appearance on my facebook page. Everyone said “Dr. Phil is a steam roller”, and I should be prepared to fight back. This frightened me. I have been on many talk shows including ABC News, FOX News, Monique Show, Bill Cunningham Show and Michael Baisden Live. I’ve never felt the need to defend the lifestyle. These interviewers were asking honest questions about my life, there was no hostility, even if the interviewer did not agree, and I simply answered:
Such as here on Fox News:
Or Here on Monique Show:
So I feel confident enough to say that I do know how to relax into an interview, even as my personality is big and boisterous. [To see more of my videos just go to my youtube site http://youtube.com/user/hakashamut] I’ve never been confronted or expected to be confronted on any live appearance, so this was something new…
On the Dr. Phil Show, I came ready for a battle. My thought about the impending battle were confirmed when in the pre-interviews they asked us questions like “do we have threesomes, how many men have I slept with, and do we have sex in our marital bed with other partners”.
I was surprised by these questions as my husband and I are actually quite sexually conservative. I tried to explain the purpose of our open relationship is not sex, we simply believe we do not need to own one another, hold one another as possessions, in order to deeply love one another, forever. In the interviews, I explained Progressive Love.
Progressive Love is four principles that guide our marriage. They are simple:
- No Shame No Blame | We don’t make the other feel bad for being a real person.
- No Victims No Villains | We don’t believe the other has negative intentions.
- No Cop Outs No Drop Outs | We won’t leave the relationship when riddled with challenges, we also won’t stay for the sake of staying, or ‘numb out’.
- The purpose is Growth the Benefit is Love | We believe relationships eventually push us out of comfort zones and thus lead to beautiful character development.
These principles are the basis of our open concept, but also apply in monogamy. I thought this would be the crux of the show; The idea that modern relationships need solutions. My husband and I provide solutions. We provide a new framework. I’d hoped the show could be a focused discussion around Progressive Love as well as specifics of our open marriage.
Instead I created an atmosphere of hostility. I created it with my fear of and preparation for impending battle, with my thought that Dr. Phil would try to sensationalize us, and with my thought that whatever happens, Dr. Phil is NOT going to bulldoze me.
This is how we create reality. We create with our expectations. If we expect a fight, we get one… I have learned that I will never expect a battle again, even when going to meet with a warrior. I expect that even if I go see Rush Limbaugh, I will be met with a fair discussion.
I don’t look back and regret what occurred as I know all things are working for our greatest good. I don’t believe in regrets. But I do believe in living for the learning…
When we expect the best, we get the best. It is when fear guides our expectations we walk into our own traps and live the very lives we feared we would. This is important learning for me.
I do hope my apology is embraced. I enjoyed the show. I felt happy to share and always will stand to share what we do with others for the sake of humans everywhere.
With love and solidarity,
Kenya K Stevens
By the way here is the whole video of my daughter about her feelings on open relationships. Enjoy!