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I Love Sex!
It's only through the vulnerable shares of our contributing writers that this blog becomes ALIVE with magic. Thanks Lesley. This post will help millions of young women. ~Kenya k Stevens, CEO JujuMama LLC

I love sex

i always believed i was a freak
no, worse than a freak
a pervert
almost satanic

You see,
i loved sex
i loved naked bodies

from the first time i saw
a naked woman in a photography book
something stirred in my crotch
and i didn’t know what it was
but i knew i had to hide it
i knew i could not share it
it was not to be spoken of

a 10 year old girl, lusting after a woman
wanting to suck her breasts
yearning to be held by her
to kiss her lips
to make the page come to life
feeling disgusted
wanting to feel this sensation forever
yet knowing that it must be kept secret

i continued to look for nude magazines
Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler
anything I could find
anything i could look at while the salesclerk wasn’t watching
stealing magazines from the store
and lusting after image upon image of naked women
feeling ecstasy
feeling the throbbing drumbeat in my pussy
thinking i could go crazy
wishing i didn’t have to hide this
thinking about sex all the time

lusting after my female friends
not daring to tell them
wishing i could be a boy
so i could make love to them
better than any boy could
even going so far
as to snoop down and look under the women’s bathroom stall
just to catch a glimpse of a woman’s pussy
what a pervert i was!
even lusting after my female cousin
i was sure to burn in Hell

as if i wasn’t confused enough
i lusted after many of the boys in my elementary school
and NO!  One wasn’t enough
i would like 10 or more boys at a time!
i couldn’t just have a crush on 1 boy…at a time…like a normal girl
i wanted all of them!

the first time i stole a nude men’s magazine
i experienced a new level of desire
i saw erect penises
and my mouth absolutely watered
i wanted to suck every penis on every page
it was insane
i couldn’t make sense of it
what was happening to me?

One would think
that as a teenage girl
i’d be having a party
with all this desire
On the contrary
I was a nerd
i was extremely unpopular
i believed i was an ugly duckling
no boy in his right mind could ever be interested in me
and none of the girls i liked were lesbians
my mother kept a tight lid on me
wouldn’t let me out of her sight
in fear that i would have sex
i laughed at that notion
who would have sex with me???

I developed a porn addiction
especially lesbian porn
i was obsessed with cunnilingus
i would dream of eating a woman until she squirts in my mouth
that thought was sheer bliss to me

i became so aroused once
that i felt extremely powerful
like i could have anything i desired
an ancient memory awakened
i KNEW the power of sex magic
and it scared me
i was scared i could use it for evil
just like the Church says
i could use it to harm, or even kill!

Over time
I shut down
I couldn’t feel anymore
by the time, I was with my first boyfriend
i felt nothing
i was numb
sex hurt
it was bloody and painful
i shut down even further
sex became nothing but a chore
something that girlfriends do to keep their boyfriends
i hated it more and more with each act

Not only that
i felt unlovable
unworthy
and so i trusted no man
always on the alert
looking for evidence
of rejection

and now
at age 34
I still hear those words repeated to me
by yet another man who agreed to play the role

I never loved you
I never wanted you
I never even wanted to have sex with you

Those are the very words i feared
i feared the confirmation that, indeed
i am an Ugly Duckling
undesirable
unwanted
here is the confirmation i sought
that i keep seeking
so that i can continue to reel in pain
utter agony
and despair
here is the reminder
that no man will ever really love me
and in fear of utter annihilation
i then lash out
i fight with every thing in me
to keep this pain from destroying me

I’m now at a turning point
I’m ready to reclaim my power
my Love of Sex
my Love of Men and Women
my ability to heal and nurture and restore myself and others
to Wholeness

I will no longer hide in shame
I will no longer deny who i am
I am free to Lust and Love
and celebrate my Beingness

I rejoice in the beauty of my body
my ideas
my words
my emotions
my expression
I recognize my value, my worth…

And i’m ready to share it
with the world

I now realize it’s safe to be naked, raw, vulnerable, open…
And i rest in that awareness.

Eager and excited to live the powerfully sexual Me!

Poem by Lesley T.

For more information about this Progressive community of which Lesley has been working with to transform herself into a Goddess for many moons, please become a member FREE today!

This entry was posted in Hot Topic, Sex/Tantra, Women by Lesley. Bookmark the permalink.

About Lesley

Lesley is a Canadian author, single mother of 2, and lover and supporter of everything Jujumama. Her primary interests are New Thought philosophy and the metaphysical Truths found in the Bible. She also loves to read every perspective on things: Left, Right, Green, Independent, Conspiracy, New Age, etc.
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6 thoughts on “I Love Sex!

  1. Aww…VIRTUAL HUG!! I understand…I truly do. For years I felt the exact same way, sex was just a “motion” that was needed to maintain a relationship with a man. It took a woman to make me feel beautiful, loved, protected, adored, worshiped etc etc. I am fully aware of my raw seductiveness, my sensuality and my beautiful body. I stopped sleeping with men in 07 and not because I was abused or mistreated. I wanted to explore my sexuality — I have. Lately I’ve been attracting men like flies (wth) and this is something that has never happened before. I just relish in the power that I have–but thanks for sharing..beautiful story!!

  2. Great post..I too share the same attributes..love porn..always have. But, I’m happy to say sex has been Very good since my divorce. I now understand that I have to have a partner (male or female) that vibrates sexually similar to me..if they don’t, we don’t click. What’s interesting is that it’s getting better as I age. Ladies, embrace your sensuality..seek partners that share your passion.. the sky’s the limit!!

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