I remember starting a journey when I was in college.  It was a journey to ‘feeling’ more when it came to relationships with women and it happened more out of curiosity as opposed to anything else.  I remember when I heard this song that I really liked on the radio called Special Kind of Fool by Basic Black.  I was really digging the music and vibe of the song.  What struck me most about the song was what the lead singer was saying throughout the entire song.  He was saying he was a special kind of fool for this woman he was dating and that it didn’t matter how she treated him because he would always be there for her and give her whatever her heart desired.

During one part of the song he talked about giving the girl his credit cards (not card, but cards) so she could go to the mall and buy whatever she wanted.  The girl took the cards and went to the mall with her girls and didn’t call him even though he knew the malls were closed.  He just wanted to hear her voice and know that she was ok.  I remember thinking to myself this is some shit right here.  She’s playing dude for everything he’s worth and has zero respect for homie.  For the life of me, I couldn’t understand, why a man would let a woman treat him this way?  He even said it in the song, “Treated me so cruel, baby it ain’t cool.”  “Do what you want to, but baby don’t you leave.  I’ll take what you give me baby, just don’t leave me please.”  “I’ll be so good to you baby.”  I kept saying to myself, how can a man feel this way?  What is happening with a male such that he would feel like this and get played and sound like a straight biyatch while a girl shows him no respect?  Where is the nut sacks on these dudes?

Basic Black – Special Kind of Fool

I ended up getting a bad taste in my mouth for R&B love songs because women were buying into shit like this making it the standard for relationships. #smh  I remember seeing guys on campus who were “in love” with their girlfriends and I never could get with that.  They looked like sad puppies to me who were being injected with a happy drug or something.  You would go up to them and they would have this dazed out look in their eyes.  You would wave your hand in front of their face and they would just look right through you like Invasion of the Fucking Body Snatchers.  I just remember being so glad I wasn’t one of those ninjas.  “Hey holmes, you left your ball sack in your dorm room.  You better grab them shits before you penis turns into vaginal canal and you grow two double Ds!”

At that time I was in a fraternity, I was step master, and president and pussy fell like the rain from the sky.  Pussy was like air.  I always had six women on rotation with the exception of when I was with my first love Nitas.  I talk about her in my upcoming book.  When I was with her I wasn’t thinking about any other women.  I never cheated on her or any woman and was very cool with that.  But when we broke up I started dating and pussy was plentiful and abundant.  Getting caught up on one girl seemed silly and trifling and a disservice to the brotherhood of real men everywhere.  Loving women made sense, but being “in love” with them didn’t.  It just didn’t.  The guys who were “in love” didn’t seem to have any presence or swag about them whatsoever.  It was like these mfs were invisible.  They could walk through a crowd of one thousand ovulating women and not be noticed by any one of them and not smell not one pheromone.  Until I witnessed these dudes I had never seen a male in that state before.  I didn’t see it in my stepfather or my brothers or my neighbors or anyone that I knew.  So when I heard that song, Special Kind of Fool, I was thinking to myself that I wouldn’t mind knowing what that felt like just so I could solve the damn mystery.

What’s interesting is I lost track of this song after a few months.  Even though it was one of my favorite slow jams I didn’t know who sang it and I didn’t know the name of it.  I remember looking for it years later and never being able to find it.  Oh well, the Internet wasn’t what it is now.  You actually had to go to Sam Goody to find an album, but anyway.

Have you ever been in love?  It’s like an alien entity has entered your body and is fucking with your mind.  Ever see those movies when the ghost enters someone’s body and they are looking at their hands and chest like what is happening to me.  That’s what being “in love” is like.  You’re looking in the mirror like, “I think I’m loosing control here.”  Splashing water on your face and slapping yourself trying to hold it together, meanwhile, you have this image of this woman in your head and you can’t do anything without thinking about her.

My first in love experience caught me by surprise.  It’s like a meteor falling on you or something.  One minute your at the drive thru at the local fast food joint and the next you’re stalking motherfuckers online.  You’re taking risks.  Your spending money.  You’re ignoring kids.  You’re ignoring work.  I mean you’re just getting by on the absolute minimum so that you don’t set off too many red flags, not that you would care either way as long as you have her.  When you’re “in love” with someone, just online chatting makes your heart start skipping beats and shit.  “Am I having a heart attack?  Maybe I should call 911 in the piece.  Shit!”  It feels just like he said in the song, “I can’t stay, I can’t go.  You know you drive me crazy and you keep keeping on.”  Someone please slap the shit out of me!

Well, I found the song today.  Can you believe it?  Someone posted a Blackstreet song and it reminded me of Special Kind of Fool by Basic Black and I found it.  I listened to it and it reminded me of the journey and original intention I had to feel deeper, to be “in love”.  Well, I can say, mission accomplished like a motherfucker and my heart is in one piece.  The mission is accomplished not only because I now understood where this ninja singing the song was coming from, but also because I realize the balance I wanted in my life and relationships.  I want to feel deeply, like really deeply.  It’s the only way to be in an intimate relationship, but I don’t want to be lost and gone looking for mfs in the daytime with a flashlight.

I realized that being “in love” with me is where it all starts and that I can choose to go there whenever I want.  I love choosing to be “in love” with someone in the moment and then loving them in the next moment.  Being “in love” belongs to me.  It’s my tool for connecting on the deepest level with my partner or whomever I choose.  Being “in love” is the way to feel the deepest more powerful orgasms during sex you will ever feel because being “in love” means total surrender to the energy generated by the two or three or how ever many people I want to connect to.  This is as good as it gets.  Hopefully, you can choose to fall “in love” with yourself and anyone you so choose.  It’s the greatest feeling on earth.

~Rakhem Seku

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